Where's Harry??!

Kids are funny. They'll stand up for their friends until they've gotten in trouble for something, and then it's "Well JENNY uses her phone ALLLLLLL of the time and you don't take it from HER!"

For example, Mary and Margaret are friends. Mary is crap at paying attention. 

Me: "Mary, let's go. Get your instrument out, your bow has more than enough rosin on it, c'mon."

Margaret: "Miss B SHE WASN'T DOING ANYTHING!!!!"

Mary: *looks at me innocently like, 'What, I'm not...'* ... Clearly, Mary. 

Later in class

Me: "Margaret, you should not have your phone out. This is the second time I've warned you. Hand it over."

Margaret: "MARY HAS HER PHONE OUT ALL OF THE TIME AND YOU NEVER TAKE IT FROM HER!!!!!"

You just can't win.

Anyway. Something I laugh about a lot with my friends are the Tattles Tales. You know, those kids in the middle of class who are like, "MISS...MISS...JACOB HAS HIS PHONE OUT! ARE YOU GONNA TAKE IT???" *insert eye roll and deep breath*

I have a really excellent comeback (I think) that I use liberally. So much so that they usually just roll their eyes and say, "Seriously, Miss B? That's all you've got?" It's quite genius, though, and I hope someday I hear it being used so that I can say, "Yes! I started something!"

Situation:

Kid: "Miss! So and so is doing this totally irrelevant thing to class that doesn't really bother anyone but I'm going to tell you anyway cause I'm tired of being the only one to get in trouble!"

Teacher (loudly, to the class): "Hey-oh! Has anyone seen Harry Potter? 'Cause I need someone to catch a snitch!"

It's good, right? I thought so. 

Four Days To Break

T minus four days to break.

We're in 7th grade music appreciation. The kids are in ensembles drumming, singing and guitaring to a song of their choice. A small, autistic boy approaches me, his hair gelled and looking fly.

Miss B: "Hey! I like your hair today!"

Kid: "Thanks! ..... IM BEAVIS!" Five Minutes later, he's running around the room and yelling "IM GONNA SET EVERYTHING ON FIRE!"

***

One of the groups is doing a rather emotional rendition of Wrecking Ball. Some sort of screaming is involved. 

***

Another group is looking up videos to do a song from Spongebob, because the song I gave them wasn't written in this century. At their age, "not from this century" is older than dirt. 

Oof. 

7th Graders On How To Find A Man

As my students become more comfortable with me they grow increasingly more interested in my love life. 

"Miss B, are you married?" I flash them my (bare) ring finger. "Oh! You need a boyfriend, Miss B?!" I ignore them. "Just go on Match.com! They can find you a boyfriend!" 

I look over at the student that has suggested this and say, "Why would I pay for a boyfriend?" 

The girl doesn't even bat an eyelash as she exclaims, "Because then it's like you own him!!!!!!"

I blink a few times, cock my head to the side and say, "Yeah, I'm not entirely sure that's how it works."

Still though, it's a better solution than having some of my 8th regrade girls me up, as they have offered to do on multiple occasions. 

Why Thanksgiving Break Should Be A Full Week

Ah, Thanksgiving break. A time for resting, visiting friends and family, being thankful for all of the wonderful things in our lives, and stuffing ourselves to the point of exhaustion with some of the best prepared food you'll taste all year.

About a week before break begins (ours happens to be this Wednesday) the kids start to get the itch. They know break is coming, and their brains have entered shut down mode. They can no longer process information and learning anything new is definitely out of the question. They can't go more than 30 seconds without whispering excitedly to their friends and I waste more breath trying to pull them back than I do instructing. This will hopefully change as the years go by and I become a more forceful and terrifying figure (ha yeah okay 5'2" and I'm only getting shorter).

Anyway, I spent the weekend getting really amped about orchestra. I've been in a rut lately and just feeling completely at a loss when it comes to teaching. But last week I arranged a quartet for the end of our concert and it sounds so good that I was able to just fly out of that rut I was stuck in and get pumped about class. But then today happened.

Despite the fact that "Attention" is spelled incorrectly, it is unnervingly accurate. Why is it that we must have these two random days that we attend school just before break? At least make them in service or parent/teacher conference days. At least don't make me teach these children whose brains have been on break since 3:30 dismissal last Friday. My younger brother's district has parent teacher conferences the next two days. I logged on to Facebook this morning to see his status about how he was trying, but failing, to get in to the earlier seasons of 'Doctor Who.' He's 13, for the record. Another friend, who is in grad school, texted me at 11 and said, "I just rolled out of bed and you're in school. How does that make you feel?' Ugh. It makes me feel ugh. 

Today drove me so insane that it was all I could do to keep myself at school to finish up plans for tomorrow once I was able to dismiss my last class. I have never wanted to swear as much as I did today when I had what felt like ten thousand students crowding me, asking about strings and the concert and "Why is my grade an 85 in this class?" (Thank you, scheduling gods, for picking today as mid interim report day). I almost threw my instrument out the window when a student said, "Yeah, I don't know if I can make the concert...." Um. What. It's the concert. It's next week. You have to make it. 

Anyway. Despite all of this I did get to teach 6th grade general music the cup game and 7th grade orchestra did a lot of good work with one of their pieces. Even they recognized it and exclaimed, "We got a lot of good stuff done today!" Yes, children, you did! Ms. B is so proud of you. 

Now, be functional tomorrow and she'll never yell at you again. 

Miss B

No More Rosin!

When teaching 8th graders (specifically, 8th grade boys) it's important to remember one simple thing:


Everything (yes, everything) is a sexual innuendo.

I feel like this is especially true in music performance ensemble settings.

Think about it: Sally is a flute player and a staccato passage pops up. It sounds muddy and the teacher calls back, "Sally! You really need to be tonguing there. It needs to be very articulate!" Next thing you know you've got Johnny the trumpet player (or, more likely, trombone player) snickering to his friend and mumbling (or yelling, if he's bold enough), "What's wrong, Sally, don't know how to use your tongue?" *snicker snicker* Subtle enough for the kids whose brains haven't quite reached that level yet, but obvious enough to those who have that he's being a pervert.

The trombone players are the worst (trom-boners) and we all know about the pregnancies that result from a ride on the percussion bus (hey, they really know how to use a stick, afterall).

In orchestra we have our f-holes ("Hehehe hey Miss B - I got my finger stuck in my f-hole! Hehehehehehe!") and our fingering patterns (I'm waiting for the day they ask me, "Oooh Miss B, could you help me with my fingering...skills?").

Today it was rosin. Jack* and Sam* are wandering around the room at the start of class with bows in hand. They each grab a cube of rosin and start sliding it up and down their bow hairs. Five minutes full of snickers and glances my way and "SAM STOOOOP hahahahahaha"s I was ready to run to the locker room and bathe myself.


And that, my friends, is orchestra with 8th grade boys.




Miss B

You're So OLD!

Children, I've found, have absolutely no qualms (a word I know how to spell because of Rugrats) about saying exactly what they feel. Thus, I am called "old," "boring," "crazy," "eccentric" (though how this fits in with 'boring' I've yet to determine), and various other things that mature adults with brains would never think to call you (to your face) over the course of the past three months. 

Today we had a fire drill during 6th grade music appreciation, which of course was cause for excitement and complete lack of control over oneself. This resulted in a child exclaiming the following at me:

"MISS B YOU ARE SO OOOOOLLLLDDDDDD!!!!"

Back it up. 

Kid: "...people over 20 shouldn't even be allowed to have Facebook or Instagram! It's just not right."

Miss B: "Kid, when Facebook came out you had to have a college email just to sign up!"

Kid: "Miss B you are so old." 

This happened yesterday, as well, when a student picked Jimmy Eat World's 2001 hit "The Middle" for their My Music project and I danced around the room while we listened to it. In this same class we watched the opening credits to "The Shining" today, and as I got excited about Stanley Kubrick's use of pre-composed music for the entire soundtrack their eyes glazed over.  I did have a couple of kids look at me and croak out "Reeedruuuum," which restored some of my faith.




Miss B

 

Hey, I Can Transpose That!

Let me say this: I love my students. They bring thoughts  and opinions to the table that really make me think. Granted, sometimes I'm thinking, "Are you serious what's wrong with you" but at least they're doing something that helps me delve into the mind of a budding adolescent

Of course, though, there are those students who are your reason for getting out of bed in the morning.

In my beginning orchestra I have a couple of students who have been playing for some time now. Rather than have them sit in room with me while I try and shout out counts in common time or explain how to play a basic finger pattern, I put them in a practice room with duets and ask them to work together to make it successful. I've started going in there whenever the beginners are driving me crazy. It's a very soothing thing. Every time I walk in to the room I am greeted by Smoke On The Water in pizzicato form. Who wouldn't be soothed by two eleven year olds bopping to Deep Puple's 1970s hit?

So the other day I walked in, did a groove to their song, and then asked to hear a duet.

"Well....the tempo is something we don't quite play right," the cellist said.
"Yeah, we just can't seem to count off the same way."
This is not surprising. They're eleven. "Okay, well I can help you do that."

They look at each other.

"Well...actually we were wondering if we could play a different duet. Maybe a Christmas one?"

"Yeah, since the concert is close to Christmas and everything...."

Okay, no big. Except, "Well, I don't really have any Christmas duets..."

My violinist scrunched hi s face and then a lightbulb comes on. "Oh! I have Carol of the Bells! Granted, it's all in treble clef....so (cellist) wouldn't really be able to read it..."

Cellist shrugs and adjusts his glasses. "It's cool. I can just transpose it."

The violinist nods in agreement. "Oh, yeah, I could do that too. It wouldn't take me long."

At this point a jumped in to the air and flew around the room. There is nothing more glorious than an eleven year old correctly using the word 'transpose' in a sentence.



Miss B